I learned From the Best
by claudia1
Summary: Sam leaves dean again, but returns just two weeks later. Dean isn't in such a forgiving mood this time round.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: They do not belong to me. I only wish that they did.

Notes: This fic was actually beta read. So a big thank you to my beta reader

I have reached rock bottom. Not much else can go wrong. Sam was back hunting with me for nearly six months before I finally reached the point where I believed he wasn't going to leave me again. I even began a relationship with him. A relationship that broke all kind of laws, but it made me happy for the first time in a long time. Hell I even told him that I loved him. I gave him my fucking heart and he ripped it into a thousand tiny pieces. He took away the last bit of trust I had. I hate him, but at the same time I love him. There is this part of me that fears being left by everyone I love or care for. Sam leaving me has just confirmed that fear.

_Did you really think that_

_I would really take you back_

_Let you back in my heart_

_Ooh. No. No_

When I said rock bottom, I meant it. What else could it mean if I was listening to Whitney Houston? Could it get any worse than that? Hell Robert Plant has done some excellent songs as a solo artist. 'Ship of fools' being a prime example of his genius. Instead of shoving a tape into the cassette player I switched on the radio. A Whitney Houston song came on and I found myself listening to it. The words actually make sense. The words hold meaning for me. Two weeks ago Sam returned and expected me to welcome him with open arms. I don't want to go anywhere near him. It has taken me the better part of two weeks to get though the day without him. Two weeks to rebuild the walls around my shattered heart. I travel from job to job and he follows me. I can't turn around without Sam being more than ten feet away. He wants me to forgive him, but why should I.

_Did you really think that I'd still care_

_That there'd be more feeling there_

_Did you think you could walk back in my life.  
So you found you miss the love you threw away.  
Baby but you found it out too late. Too Late._

He finally found his balls and sat down opposite me in the corner booth I had been calling home for the last couple of days. Any attempts at conversation were cut short by me. He wanted to talk about how he felt for me. All I wanted to do was kill him. I wanted him as far away from me as humanly possible. I hate the fact he still thinks I care for him. It's like he doesn't even remember that he left me for some girl he met on one of our hunting trips. He has forgotten that he spent the last two weeks cheating on me. He left me when he swore that he never would and I'm still meant to care for him. The only reason he dragged his sorry ass away from the skank was a misguided sense of guilt. Hell, it's more then likely that the lust thing had gone and burnt itself out. He thinks he can just stroll back into my life and return to what we had before. Well fuck him.

After trying to put some space between the two of us I found him leaning up against my impala. He told me that the girl meant nothing to him. He told me that I was the one he wanted to be with and those two weeks with her had made him realize that. My only reply was to get into the car and slam door hard enough to make a point. The arrogant prick still got into the passenger side of the car like it was his God given right. I didn't have the energy to kick him out of the car. While I drove he talked and I ignored him. When we came to a stop at the motel I was staying in, I told him that he has pissed away any chance he had left with me. With those words I ordered him out of the car. Once he was out of the car I went into my motel room and left him standing alone in the rain. It didn't stop the little shit from banging on the door demanding that I let him in. No amount of whining got me to open the door. It was only with the threat of the police that he finally stopped banging on the door.

_And so you know the way it feels to cry  
The way that I cried when you broke my world in two.  
Baby I learned the way to break a heart  
I learned from the best.  
I learned from you.  
Oh baby now.  
I learned from you_

The next morning I found him lying outside my motel room. Looking down at him my heart nearly broke at the sight of him looking so vulnerable. Then I remembered what he had done to me. He is anything but vulnerable. He is a cheating bastard who should have his balls ripped off. Instead of waking him up I just stepped over his body and went to the nearest diner for breakfast. The old me would have forgiven him for anything. The new, and more bitter, me doesn't really care too much for him. He lied to me and I can't forgive that.

_I remember cold nights  
Tears I thought would never dry  
How you shattered my world  
With your goodbye. Your goodbye baby_

When Sam left me two weeks ago there was no warning. One night we were sharing a bed together and the next morning he wasn't there with me. At first I thought he had just gone out to get some breakfast. Then I found the fucking Post-It note. It simply said he had gone and wasn't coming back. At first I believed it was Sam's idea of a poor joke. He had promised he would never leave me.

When there was still no sign of Sam after four hours I knew the note was his version of a 'Dear John' letter. For the first time in my life I cried and I didn't sleep for three days. When I finally slept all I could feel was cold. I had no one to keep me warm. There was no one to help keep the loneliness at bay.

_Would've sold my soul then.  
Just to have you back again  
Now you're the last thing on my mind._

For the first week after Sam left I would have given anything, even my own soul to have him back. At the time I wanted him back by my side no matter what the cost. It wasn't a case of having him back as my hunting partner. I wanted him back as my lover. I would have forgiven him for anything he had done. Then the anger settled in. Instead of missing his touch I was cursing the very ground he walked upon. After those first two weeks the walls had been rebuilt around my shattered heart. As a direct result I was less caring, but hell, Sam was proof that caring or loving someone leads to a whole world of pain.

_Now you say you're sorry and  
You've changed your ways  
Sorry but you changed your ways too late._

Sam found me in the diner where I was just finishing my breakfast. He actually said he was sorry. I asked him what he was sorry for. I wanted to go into every painful detail. I didn't want him to think that saying sorry was going to get me to forgive him. He told me he was scared that what we had went against all kinds of laws. He was tired of hiding what we had from dad and Missouri. He told me that my inability to share my emotions, and my total inability to tell the two people closest to us made him leave. At that point in the conversation it was a toss up between killing him or laughing. I settled for laughter. I told Sam that two weeks into our relationship I met up with dad and told him what we were doing. A week after telling dad I told Missouri and she was happy for us. They were both happy for us. Sam was angry that I had never chosen to tell him that I had told them about our relationship. I wasn't going to tell Sam that I had told him what I had done. I wasn't the one that had to explain my actions. I instead told him there wasn't a relationship anymore, only a slow burning hatred. When I left the diner he tried to follow me, but I just looked at him and he backed of.

_So when all you've got are sleepless nights  
When those tears are clouding up your eyes  
Just remember it was you who said goodbye   
Who said goodbye._

Two weeks and three states later Sam shows up again. I find him sitting in my car. I find him in my motel room sitting on the edge of the bed. He sticks to my side when I hunt the latest supernatural piece of shit. He follows me to the bar where I spend the night getting drunk and dancing with the local guy. A guy that reminds me of what I have been missing for the last two weeks. Sam is there when the guy and I start to do all kind of kinky things in an alley. Sam follows me back to the motel room and I ask him why. I want to know why he left. I want to know when I became less important to him. The silence is deafening. He couldn't tell me why and I wasn't going to let him back into my heart. When he started crying I felt nothing. I just kissed him on the forehead and told him that it was over. Closing the door on his tear streamed face I should have felt guilty, but I felt nothing but relief.


	2. Shiver

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine

Notes: the song is by Maroon 5 and its called Shiver

Shiver

I was with Dean for six months before he even began to trust me. We had a relationship that was even better than any thing I had ever imagined. I knew that Dean had some reservations about us being both brothers and lovers, but he still continued with our relationship. Despite what people may think Dean is not obsessed with sex. At the very beginning of our relationship as lovers, he refused to share the same bed with me for two months. We did not make love for four months and when we did, it was beautiful. I have never felt such love for someone before. In that one moment, I knew Dean was the one I wanted spend the rest of my life with. Then it all went wrong.

_You build me up_

_You knock me down_

_Provoke a Smile_

_And make me frown_

_You are the queen of run around_

_You know it's true_

I Left Dean. I left the person I claimed to love and at the time, I just did not give a shit. It makes me sound like a complete and utter bastard, but it is the truth. One night I found myself unable to sleep. Instead of waking Dean so we could talk or I could occupy myself wit him, I went to the nearest bar. When I say occupy myself with Dean I mean sex, but I was just thinking of my own selfish needs. I love Dean far too much to take advantage of him like that. Now I wish I had chosen to wake him up. It would have stopped me from screwing everything up so badly. At this bar, I met a girl whose name I cannot even remember now. This girl gave me a reminder of what Jessica was like. She made me feel normal and Dean can' give me that. He can never give me that.

So I took what this girl was offering and I enjoyed every damn minute of it. I felt only the smallest amount of guilt. We danced and there was no one around to tell me that it was wrong. This girl offered me the chance to go to San Francisco and I took it. I left a Post It note simply telling Dean I was gone and not coming back. I couldn't tell him that what I wanted was to walk down the street holding his hand. I wanted to tell Dean so many things like that but Dean does not do chick flick moments. I had two weeks of experiencing what a normal relationship was like. After those two weeks, any feeling I had for the girl had gone. I wanted Dean back.

_You chew me up_

_And spit me out_

_Enjoy the taste _

_I leave in your mouth_

_I look at you_

_Neither of us know what to do_

For the first two weeks after my return from San Francisco, I followed Dean from job to job. I didn't stray to far from him in fear that each job he took on would be his last. When I finally made the decision to talk to Dean, it did not go to well. I tired telling him that I loved him, but he would not let me get the words out. Each attempt IO made at trying to start a conversation with him was cut short. If it were physically possible, the look Dean had in his eyes would have killed me. I know I left Dean, but he has never been the easiest of people to live with. Everyday I spent with Dean was filled with some kind of Drama. Be it supernatural or personal. Dean is so closed up emotionally. The love he showed me in public was done with this twinkle in his eyes. It was as if he could not take our relationship seriously. Dean went to bars without me and I never questioned him about it, not even when he came back to the motel room smelling of cheap booze and sex. I never accused him of a damn thing. Dean could have been a cheating bastard for all I know. Despite the more cynical part of me that screams Dean is the one responsible for my actions, I know it is not true. Dean would never do what I have done to him. He would not hurt me like that.

Instead of starting one pointless conversation after another with Dean, I left the diner and leaned up against his impala. When he came out of the diner, I told him the girl was a meaningless screw. I said a whole bunch of shit just to get him to listen to me. When his only response was to get into the car and slam the door shut, I nearly cursed him every damn name under the sun. Instead, I just got into the car as if the last two weeks had not occurred. As Dean drove to whatever crappy motel he was staying in I talked. I told Dean that when I was with the girl it was not meant to be a permanent thing. I just wanted a small vacation away from hunting and us for a while. The girl was nothing more than a light relief from my life. When we finally reached the motel he was staying in, I fully expected him to let me inside. He left me outside in the rain. I tried banging on the door hoping that if I made enough noise he would let me in. He threatened me with the police and since I cannot afford to be arrested, I stopped banging on the door.

_There may not be another way to your heart_

_So I guess I'd better find a new way in_

_I shiver when I hear your name_

_Think about you but it's not the same_

_I won't be satisfied till I'm under your skin_

For a few minutes, I just stood outside the motel room door. I have hurt Dean so much and it is only now am I beginning to realize that. Even though I know I have hurt dean, I really do not think I should have to take all of the blame. Unwilling to give up so quickly I thought pickling the doors lock, but change my mind. I want Dean to welcome me with open arms. I do not want him to reach for his shotgun or the blade he always keeps under his pillow. The second option is the car, but if I damage that in any way, Dean will kill me. Having no money on me, I choose to say outside his motel room door. With only a coat for protection against the rain. I leaned against the door and settled in for a long cold night.

_Immobilized by the though of you_

_Paralyzed by the thought of you_

_Hypnotized by the words you say_

_Not true but I believe them anyway_

I woke up the next morning cold, miserable and more alone that I have felt for a long time. I managed to get Deans motel room door open only to find the room empty. None of his belongings was in the room so that meant he did not intend to come back. For some reason finding, his motel room empty sent a rush of white-hot rage though me. Dean had left while I was still asleep. He stepped over me to get away. Bastard, fucking insensitive bastard.

When I left Dean two weeks ago, it was not a planned thing. I now realize that I was grabbing a chance of casual sex. Sex without any of the emotional minefield attached to it. The Post It note was a little mistake. Telling a lover you are leaving them with a Post It note is wrong and Lazy. A few sentences to tell him I why I was leaving would have been better.

_So come to bed its getting late_

_There's no more time for us to waste_

For the first week I was away from Dean, I hardly left this girls bed. The only wasted time during that week was spent getting the essentials in. The girl had a huge array of sex toys and we used every one of them. It is so damn hot when you use a vibrator on a woman. You get to see how there face makes all kind of motions. I know Dean was always vocal during sex, but this girl was something else. After that first week, the feelings I had for the girl were gradually fading away. At the end of the second week, I could not stand the sight of her. I had pissed away a good relationship just for sex. I wanted Dean back and there was nothing I wasn't willing to do to achieve that.

After finding his motel room empty I went looking for Dean and found him in a diner finishing his breakfast. I swallowed what was left of my pride and I told Dean I was sorry. I told him how I felt. I told Dean all of my fears. He laughed at me. He told me that my fears were baseless and that the people who loved us knew we were lovers. After telling me all of that he got up from the booth and left the diner. When I tired to follow him well lets just say it is a damn good thing looks cannot kill

_Remember how my body tastes_

_You feel your heart begin to race._

I did not go near Dean for another two weeks. I turn all stalker on him and I refuse to be ignored. I follow him on the next hunt he goes on just to make sure he does not get himself killed. Then I follow him to a bar were he practically fucking a guy on the dance floor. I even follow them out to an alleyway were they both do things to each other that are as hot as hell, but damn if most of its illegal. When I follow Dean back to the motel I want to know why he is tormenting me so much. When Dean asks me why, it is as if my whole damn brain has switched itself of. Hell, I cannot utter a single word and I know that is all the answer Dean need. I can't help it but I start crying. I know I have fucked up beyond all belief and I am losing Dean. When he kissed me on the forehead the tears began coming down even harder than before. When he told it was over, my heart started breaking. When he closed the door on me, it shattered a thousand tiny prices.

Thing is, most of this is my fault and I am only now beginning to realize that.


End file.
